eating disorders

Higher—A Story About Playgrounds

I remember you used to push
me
on the swingset
higher higher higher
so high I could see the
rose garden down the pretty path
I’d laugh and scream and you’d push
me
far too hard
but I wasn’t worried about falling
because you would’ve caught me,
I thought
(more…)

Advertisements

Flowers in a Jar

When I was little, two of my favorite shows were Dragon Tales and Maggie and the Ferocious Beast. Dragon Tales was this show about these two little kids who wish upon a dragon scale and get whisked away to dragon land and go on adventures, and in the process learn values like patience (or something). Maggie and the Ferocious beast was about a little girl who befriends a “beast” (very cleverly named Beast) who kind of looked like a yellow triceratops with big red spots. I’m pretty sure that show taught about discrimination but I really can’t remember. Needless to say, these shows weren’t much more than fluff, probably torture for whatever adult had to watch them with me. They were full of bright colors and fun music and exciting shapes, and watching TV as a toddler is probably about as close to high as I’ve ever gotten.

As you can see, I didn’t really carry much from those TV shows with me. I only remember a very select few episodes. But one of them has stuck with me to this very day and I still reference it as one of the reasons that I am the way I am. And I can not, for the life of me, remember which show it’s from.
(more…)

The Worst Feeling

12.25.15, 4:15PM

For a long time

I thought the worst feeling

Was being hungry

 

But then the worst feeling

Was putting on my jeans

And feeling they were too tight

 

So then for a long time

I thought the worst feeling

Was being full

 

But now the worst feeling

Is putting on a pair of jeans

And knowing that they’re too loose.

Special Snowflake Sophia

In addition to ballet, I take a contemporary dance class with my friends Ellie, Cara, and Violet. As part of our routine, a girl gets lifted up by her arms in the center of the room and carried downstage. Ellie and another girl named Renee are the lifters–they each hold on to one of the center girl’s arms and hoist her up into the air–and the girl being lifted was supposed to be Cara. (more…)

“I Wish I Had An Eating Disorder!”

Okay, don’t get me wrong, I absolutely adore my boyfriend Chris (he of the picking-Sophia-up abilities). He’s a sweetheart. He tells me I’m pretty and beautiful and that there’s nothing wrong with my body, with far too much frequency for it to be anything but corny. At the moment, it’s great (although, this is high school of course, and people have already started taking bets on how long we’ll last). He really is a good kid.

That doesn’t, however, make him any less of an ignorant dumbass.
(more…)

Stay Together, Stay Strong

Yesterday at school I was hanging out with this girl Leah in the orchestra room. We were just hanging around talking (but if anyone asks, we were practicing!) and she was complaining about her terrible cramps.
(more…)

An Amazing Poem

This poem was written by my good, close friend. She has a fabulous blog over at The Adventures of Nash.

In The Mirror

 

Hungry

Hungry for the day when another little girl

Will not feel inferior to another video girl

For a day when we cannot find someone skipping a meal

Despite their privilege of food

For a day when we may all have idols nearer

And everyone may find it easy

To look in the mirror

Hungry

 

Tired

Tired of self harm being so present

In my life, seeing people and not stopping them

Of one more slash, one more red mark

To take the years of a teenager to heal

Despite their privilege of health

Of a day when who we are becomes clearer

And everyone may find it easy

To look in the mirror

Tired

 

Saddened

By the world’s view of women

They are not here, WE are not here

To be given away

Know when or when not to be respectful

By the way that girls are made to feel like

They SHOULD please others

Despite society saying be yourself

By the fact that society is the interferer

Of seeing the beauty in the mirror

Saddened

 

We are told to be ourselves

And shamed if it isn’t what is expected

It is a ruthless game of who will conform first

Be yourself

But not like that

Be yourself within these walls

I yearn for a day when what’s inside is held dearer

Than what you may see in the mirror

Never Skipped Breakfast

The other day I was hanging out with Chris, Lana, and Laurie. Laurie’s dad had ordered us a pizza, and we were talking about how hungry we were waiting for it to come, and how I was particularly hungry because I’ve been sick and had no appetite.

Lana said something along the lines of, “Well you should at least try to eat breakfast.”

And I said, “I never skip breakfast. It’s the most important meal! Even when I wasn’t eating I never missed breakfast.”

Lana gaped at me. I realized that, while I don’t really keep it a secret, my quote-unquote eating disorder is not what you’d consider common knowledge. I had already told Chris, although he didn’t know the details, and at some point I had also told Laurie. But me and Lana aren’t incredibly close and I had never wanted to worry her.

“When weren’t you eating?!” I couldn’t believe the look of shock on her face.

I shrugged and tried to laugh it off. Chris and Laurie looked really, really uncomfortable. “You know, for a few weeks last year or so. I’m over it now.”

Then I had to correct myself. “I mean, a couple weeks, in seventh grade.”

Honestly, the details are a little foggy.

I have what I like to call a highly selective memory. I block out bad things or things that I don’t like thinking about. I know that it happened, but I’m honestly not sure around what time or for how long I could really be counted as having a “disorder.”

It started when me and Cara, who had then only recently become friends, started religiously counting our calories the summer after seventh grade. I don’t know if she was trying to lose weight or trying to get healthy or what, but I figured, hey, a thousand is a nice round number! That must be how many calories a person is supposed to eat in a day. After all my problem I had had the past year, I finally had a real best friend! Anything she said, I went along with.

So technically I had a disorder (albeit and accidental one) for a while, it just took a while for the results to show.

Eating disorders are diseases of the mind, not the body. Their symptoms manifest physically, yes, but an eating disorder comes from a place of self-loathing deeper than simply wanting to lose a couple pounds.

No one purposely becomes anorexic, or bulimic, or a binge eater, or any other number of things. It’s not like all eating disorders start the same—I’m probably on the stranger side, what with my misunderstanding of the meaning of calories. But just like a drug addict doesn’t want to be dependent on heroin, a person with an eating disorder doesn’t want to watch their body waste away before their eyes.

I get called thin a lot. And I am thin; it’s not like I have a problem with someone simply stating a fact. What I have a problem with is someone calling me thin as a compliment. In today’s world, everything is about having a tiny waist and big boobs. If you don’t look like that, then, well, you better figure out a way to make yourself look like that because, in the eyes of society, no one is going to want you otherwise.

It’s disgusting, and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do about it.

I hate being called thin as a compliment. The other day I was at a speech and debate tournament. After the tournament we had a pizza party, and I ended up talking to this girl Pat who’s on my team.

She was complaing about how greasy the pizza was, to which I responded that I love pizza grease. If my food comes with grease on it then for god’s sake I’m going to eat the greasy pizza.

She answered, “But you’re so skinny! I would KILL to be able to look like that.”

Ignorance is bliss. Sometimes, I wish I could be so blissfully deluded to think that, yeah, a thousand calories is plenty. Sometimes, I wish that I could still think of eating disorders the way I saw self harm—something that happens rarely, to people that are really, seriously ill.

I wish that I could pretend these things don’t happen. I wish I could keep them from happening to me and to the people I love.

Sometimes I wonder if Chris looks at me and thinks about it. The other day he picked me up and carried me up the stairs and said “Wow, you’re so light!” and I wonder if the thought ever crossed his mind that, yeah, I’ve got a rocking metabolism.

But somewhere down the road, I’ve also spent a few weeks of my life not eating much of anything…except for breakfast.