dad

How to Ride a Bike—And Other Things my Father Taught Me

1) Fearing someone is a necessary part of loving them. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you will find someone who will tolerate loving you.

2) Never rely on anyone for comfort. The person who wipes away your tears can just as easily be the person who causes them.

3) Food is a weapon.

4) Hands are weapons.

5) Your own vulnerability will be used against you as a weapon.

6) These weapons will be used to harm you until you don’t know the meaning of the word “weapon” anymore. They will be used to harm you, repeatedly, even after an apology. Apologies can not be trusted. As such, weapons should be avoided at all costs.

7) Pain is sometimes a necessary punishment for bad behavior. If there’s no one around to hurt you for what you’ve done, then you must hurt yourself.

8) How to ride a bike.

9) How to recognize the constellations.

10) How to build whole worlds with just your words.

11) The person who taught you these things deserves all of your trust.

12) The person who deserves all of your trust will violate it again and again. And you will give it to them again and again anyways.
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Pushing Me

I wrote this back in seventh grade, during my emo poetry phase.

Every word you say
The knife gets
A little closer

Every move you make
The blade gets
A little sharper

Every blow you give
My hand gets
A little quicker

Every dream you kill
My breath gets
A little thinner

You’re
Pushing
Me
Over
The
Edge
Again

What Happened?—an Unsent Letter

What happened to the man who I used to call daddy?

What happened to the man who would sing me to sleep at night? What happened to the man who would hold me when I was scared? What happened to the man who would stay with me until I fell asleep, keeping me safe from the monsters?

What happened to him?

What happened to the man who wanted to shelter me? What happened to the man who always asked if I had a boyfriend? Even though I hated it, I still miss it.

What happened to the man who would do anything to keep me safe from the big bad world? What happened to the man who would comfort me when I was crying, who would make stupid jokes to make me feel better?

Where did he go? I’m looking for him.

What happened to the man who used to mean the whole world to me? What happened to the man who loved to sing, loved to live, loved to love?

What happened to the man who was supposed to be my guardian? What happened to the man I was supposed to be able to count on?

Where did that man go, and who did he leave in his place?

What happened to my daddy?