Top Five Tuesday #1

This is a series I may or may not actually continue with (really, look to see how many posts say part one or part two in their titles and then never get a follow-up. I’m notoriously flaky). Also, I am well aware that it’s not Tuesday, I’m just a sucker for alliteration.

Without further adieu, here are the Top 5 Things Well-Meaning People Say to me and Why They’re Bullshit

5. If you’re bi, I support you.
Okay, so I probably don’t deserve to complain about this, since many people in my position have no “support net” at all. But it just pisses me off for some reason. I feel like it makes a big, awkward deal over something that isn’t big or awkward from my perspective. Like, thanks for the support and all, but I don’t need your support to simply exist in my bisexuality. I’m gonna fuck whoever I damn well please whether or not you’re cheering me from the sidelines.

(I also said last post that I’m really not a fan of labels, but everyone else seems to be. So, yeah…bi until further notice)

4. Just power through the period cramps!
No. No, you shut the fuck up right now. I will not sit here and take this bullshit. There is no way to power through what essentially feels like my uterus trying to gouge itself out. Just let me go nap with my heating pad and ibuprofen in peace.

3. You look so healthy, aren’t you happy?

Of course the person means well. When I lose weight (whether it’s on purpose or because of stress or just by random metabolic coincidence) it’s kind of hellish for me since I really can’t afford to lose much in the first place. But as soon as I gain a couple pounds back, I’m caught up in worrying that people will notice, or that they’ll think I’m fat. I don’t exactly have a flat stomach. So saying I look “healthy,” to me, is essentially just telling me I’ve gained weight that I would’ve rather avoided gaining. Of course they mean well—they say it with a big smile on their face, intending it as a compliment. But instead it comes out as an insult, and I’m left reeling by their sheer insensitivity.

2. Just remember he loves you.

You try telling me my dad loves me when some nights his only words to me are “Shut up, Sophia.” Try telling me he still loves me when everything I say is shot down or talked over. Try telling me he loves me when he and my brother gang up on me like a couple of co-dependent ten year olds. Try telling me he loves me when his hatred for himself overshadows any compassion he could possibly feel. Maybe you’ve got a parent in a shitty situation who happens to also be a stable human being. Just because things are rough doesn’t mean they don’t love you. But when you factor in his (possibly misdiagnosed) bipolar disorder, (undiagnosed) depression, crappy neighborhood, and general self-loathing brought about by an inability to provide for us—then you’ve got a fucking wreck of a human being who doesn’t remember how to love his own child.

1. It could be worse.

Yeah, my dad could be below the poverty line instead of straddling it. Yeah, my best friend could have killed herself by now instead of just barely managing to hold on. Yeah, I could have an actual full-blown eating disorder instead of just having major body image issues. Yeah, I could have intensely conservative parents instead of a bunch friends who just get vaguely uncomfortable when I mention being attracted to girls sometimes. So, yeah, it could be worse. But you know what? It could be a hell of a lot better. Just because other people have it worse than me doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to feel like crap every once in a while, and I’m sure as hell going to complain so long as I’ve got breath in my body.
~~~

Yeah, so….this post mostly just sounded really bitter (pretty accurately reflecting how shitty I’ve been feeling the past couple of weeks for absolutely no reason–that’s why you haven’t gotten your daily dose of Sophia for the past week or so), and I don’t know if this is a series anyone wants me to continue. If anyone has any suggestions for other Top Five Tuesdays (or whatever day of the week it shows up on!), wants me to scrap the idea altogether, or any other thoughts, let me know in the comments.

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4 comments

  1. I fucking hated not being believed when I would talk about my dad. “Oh, Sarah, it’s not that bad…” ‘How the fuck would you know?” I wanted to ask them. And yeah, the “He loves you.” “Really? Is this love? Is that really what you wanna fucking tell me? Do you treat your kids like this?” I don’t know how many times I’ve questioned what I know about him, what I know to be true. You know what’s up. It sucks.
    With regards to the top 5 idea, I like it, and may copy it. In fact, I will.

    1. My personal problem, too, is that sometimes he will go and do something really really sweet, and I’ll feel like an asshole for ever doubting him. (for example, I recently went on a trip to a big competition. He slipped a note saying good luck and have fun, along with some money, into my suitcase. I wasn’t expecting it at all) He’s not a bad guy–he’s just kind of miserable a lot of the time and I think he doesn’t know how to channel those emotions.

      I’m not sure what your situation is–it’s likely that our experiences, while similar, aren’t really the same. I want you to know my heart goes out to you and I wish you good luck with everything.

      1. Aw – that is sweet of your father. I just, today, reread what I had written about my own father and I realize that it came out pretty strong – sorry 🙂 Thanks for sharing about it.

        1. No, no, don’t be sorry at all! You obviously meant what you said and there’s nothing wrong with that.

          Thank you for sharing, too. I always appreciate hearing about others’ experiences 🙂

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