Good lord I did not want to write this post. Not at all. And I also didn’t really want to publish it. I bounce around to a ton of topics and none of them get the time they deserve. Plus, it’s one of my more, um, open pieces of writing. Even as I sit here about to publish it, I’m still contemplating keeping it in drafts forever. But I figured hey, what the hell, I have some inkling of anonymity here, right? Besides, this shitty little wordpress serves for me as a journal if nothing else.
So. I mentioned in this post, kind of just in passing, that one time when I was making out with my boyfriend I wondered if I would like making out with a girl too.
Well, it was kind of a specific girl.
I guess you could say we’re sorta friends. We’ve only ever hung out outside of school once, and it was over a year ago with a group of like five other people, when we barely knew each other at all. We’ve got one or two classes together. Once we had a really deep talk about the meaning of the word “hipster” but other than that we don’t interact very much.
And I’m totally cool with that, because I don’t have a crush on this girl. I just want to make out with her.
To be honest, I don’t know if I’d ever want a relationship with any girl. Many of the girls I’ve known (including myself) have a tendency to be overemotional or shallow or petty or just downright annoying. And while some of those girls are my closest friends and I love them to death because of their “flaws,” those aren’t the qualities I’d want in a significant other. They just aren’t. I’d much rather be in a relationship with a stereotypical cishet dude. And yeah, if you want to get on your feminist and/or social justice high horse and command it to trample me, then fine. I accept your criticisms. I never said I wasn’t an asshole.
But when it comes to making out (and later, probably, sex) I really don’t see why everyone shouldn’t just have fun with whoever the hell they want. And I will be the first person to call myself out on the fact that I’m a teenager with no experience, but to be honest, I don’t see what the big deal about sex is. I don’t see it as some deep spiritual bond (though for some I suppose it can be) and I don’t see it as some super private emotional experience between people who love each other (though for many it can be, too). I see it as a way to have (what seems to me like) a lot of fun, and if you have a romantic connection with the person then that’s just a nice upside.
I don’t really see myself as bi. I see myself as will-make-out-with-and-or-bang-anyone-who-is-attractive-and-willing. People, including me, have this really intense need to put labels on themselves and at the end of the day I find it to be bullshit. Like, fine, if you want to label yourself as demisexual or genderfluid or asexual or any other number of things then I am sure as hell not going to stop you, and I will most certainly respect any and all of your labels. But I don’t see a need to label myself. I’m really comfortable in my female body, for one thing, and I would gladly use my body to make out with another female body if given the opportunity.
(wow, I’m trying to keep this post lighthearted and it’s just coming across as really weird and desperate. Ah, well. Forethought is for the weak!)
One time I was with Cara, Chloe, Anne, and Ellie, and we were messing around with a Ouija board. We were asking stupid shit about our future (the answers change every time we use it. It used to tell me I would marry Chris and have eight children with him someday and I think it’s safe to say that’s not happening) and someone asked who my first time would be with before I could stop them (because honestly, whether or not the Ouija board is bullshit, I don’t wanna fuck with the magic future-telling spirits. There’s some things that should be a surprise). And the board spelled out a girl’s name.
It was a name we’d never heard before–apparently, I’m going to meet this girl sometime over the summer. I had already been thinking about the fact that I would be A-Okay with fucking a girl for some time before then, so when I saw it I kind of just shrugged and said “Alright, cool.”
All my friends like to pretend they’re not homophobic and I think for the most part they’re not. We were all raised by liberal-minded people and (with the exception of me) we’re all just general non-assholes. But Ellie told me later that they were surprised not by the fact (I use the fact loosely, since this is a Toys R Us Ouija board we’re talking about here) that I would have my first time with a girl. They were just surprised by the fact that I seemed so casual about it.
Because to be honest, I would fuck a girl. I would fuck a guy. And just like I’m not attracted to every guy I see, I’m not attracted to every girl I see. So, to any of my real-life friends who have the (mis)fortune to be reading this post, please try not to worry that I have a crush on you. You’re probably not my type anyways 😉