The Sexuality Post

Good lord I did not want to write this post. Not at all. And I also didn’t really want to publish it. I bounce around to a ton of topics and none of them get the time they deserve. Plus, it’s one of my more, um, open pieces of writing. Even as I sit here about to publish it, I’m still contemplating keeping it in drafts forever. But I figured hey, what the hell, I have some inkling of anonymity here, right? Besides, this shitty little wordpress serves for me as a journal if nothing else.

So. I mentioned in this post, kind of just in passing, that one time when I was making out with my boyfriend I wondered if I would like making out with a girl too.

Well, it was kind of a specific girl.

I guess you could say we’re sorta friends. We’ve only ever hung out outside of school once, and it was over a year ago with a group of like five other people, when we barely knew each other at all. We’ve got one or two classes together. Once we had a really deep talk about the meaning of the word “hipster” but other than that we don’t interact very much.

And I’m totally cool with that, because I don’t have a crush on this girl. I just want to make out with her.

To be honest, I don’t know if I’d ever want a relationship with any girl. Many of the girls I’ve known (including myself) have a tendency to be overemotional or shallow or petty or just downright annoying. And while some of those girls are my closest friends and I love them to death because of their “flaws,” those aren’t the qualities I’d want in a significant other. They just aren’t. I’d much rather be in a relationship with a stereotypical cishet dude. And yeah, if you want to get on your feminist and/or social justice high horse and command it to trample me, then fine. I accept your criticisms. I never said I wasn’t an asshole.

But when it comes to making out (and later, probably, sex) I really don’t see why everyone shouldn’t just have fun with whoever the hell they want. And I will be the first person to call myself out on the fact that I’m a teenager with no experience, but to be honest, I don’t see what the big deal about sex is. I don’t see it as some deep spiritual bond (though for some I suppose it can be) and I don’t see it as some super private emotional experience between people who love each other (though for many it can be, too). I see it as a way to have (what seems to me like) a lot of fun, and if you have a romantic connection with the person then that’s just a nice upside.

I don’t really see myself as bi. I see myself as will-make-out-with-and-or-bang-anyone-who-is-attractive-and-willing. People, including me, have this really intense need to put labels on themselves and at the end of the day I find it to be bullshit. Like, fine, if you want to label yourself as demisexual or genderfluid or asexual or any other number of things then I am sure as hell not going to stop you, and I will most certainly respect any and all of your labels. But I don’t see a need to label myself. I’m really comfortable in my female body, for one thing, and I would gladly use my body to make out with another female body if given the opportunity.

(wow, I’m trying to keep this post lighthearted and it’s just coming across as really weird and desperate. Ah, well. Forethought is for the weak!)

One time I was with Cara, Chloe, Anne, and Ellie, and we were messing around with a Ouija board. We were asking stupid shit about our future (the answers change every time we use it. It used to tell me I would marry Chris and have eight children with him someday and I think it’s safe to say that’s not happening) and someone asked who my first time would be with before I could stop them (because honestly, whether or not the Ouija board is bullshit, I don’t wanna fuck with the magic future-telling spirits. There’s some things that should be a surprise). And the board spelled out a girl’s name.

It was a name we’d never heard before–apparently, I’m going to meet this girl sometime over the summer. I had already been thinking about the fact that I would be A-Okay with fucking a girl for some time before then, so when I saw it I kind of just shrugged and said “Alright, cool.”

All my friends like to pretend they’re not homophobic and I think for the most part they’re not. We were all raised by liberal-minded people and (with the exception of me) we’re all just general non-assholes. But Ellie told me later that they were surprised not by the fact (I use the fact loosely, since this is a Toys R Us Ouija board we’re talking about here) that I would have my first time with a girl. They were just surprised by the fact that I seemed so casual about it.

Because to be honest, I would fuck a girl. I would fuck a guy. And just like I’m not attracted to every guy I see, I’m not attracted to every girl I see. So, to any of my real-life friends who have the (mis)fortune to be reading this post, please try not to worry that I have a crush on you. You’re probably not my type anyways 😉

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7 comments

  1. I love this post! I love the fact that you’re so open and honest about it. I, too, do not see the need to label everything. I guess everyone’s just super nosey and can’t accept the fact that there doesn’t need to be any labelling of any sort.

    Recently, two girls in my school “came out” (if I can even use that) as a couple. I don’t think they consider themselves as lesbians, despite being in a homosexual relationship. They have dated guys in the past and I believe that if they are to break up in the future, they could quite possibly date men. Who knows? In technical terms, maybe they are bisexual. But if they don’t feel like labelling their sexuality then it is their business. It is what it is. Like, people, me defining my sexuality shouldn’t feel like a weight off your shoulders anyway. If a guy wants to kiss a guy, that’s his business. If a girl wants to kiss a girl, that’s her business. If you want to kiss a girl, that’s your business. So I totally get what you’re saying. People need to grasp the fact that this idea of labelling is a very narrow-minded way of thinking.

    I also relate to the whole “friends like to pretend they’re not homophobic” thing. It’s strange because technically they aren’t homophobic. They don’t see anything wrong with other people being homosexuals, but if one day, I was seen holding hands with a girl they would probably freak out a little bit. They probably wouldn’t react in a negative way, but they would surely be confused. They would probably try to look back and find some “warning signs” that would have lead up to the, um, lesbianism? And that’s probably what they would label it too..

    1. Aww, thank you! I’m glad you liked it 🙂

      Yeah, for some reason this year seemed to be everyone’s year to come out. A couple of girls, one of whom identifies as genderfluid, went out for a while. Another girl came out as bi. Two guys in the grade above us both came out as bi and started dating. This one boy (who we all previously thought was a girl) came out as trans just this past week. There are two girls who are seniors now that have been dating since the beginning of the school year. There’s this one sophomore girl who’s dated boys and girls and everything in between. Two senior boys came out as gay and started going out. An eighth grade boy who’s friends with Cara and Anne came out as gay this past month, too.

      So, you’d think with everyone being so accepting and willing to embrace each other that I would feel totally safe and secure talking to my friends. But that’s sadly not really the case. For example, when the eighth grade boy came out, Cara had already “suspected he was gay for a while. He just acted like it, you know?” Or, when the two girls in my grade started dating, there was this constant ongoing whisper of “ohmighod, I KNEW she had dyke hair” and shit like that. People are calling the boy who came out as trans as the name he’s asked for, but for some reason no one (including me, I really can’t explain it) has started using different pronouns yet.

      So…yeah. Like you said, everyone is looking for warning signs. I wonder if I give off any. Besides, you know, the Ouija board saying I would fuck a chick. That’s a pretty obvious one xD

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