Have you ever gone back and read something that you wrote a long, long time ago? From when your life was in a totally different place? From when you were, in a sense, a different person?
I found an old journal that I wrote for a couple of weeks in seventh grade. I read the whole thing–agonizingly long, mostly just my ramblings, but I was amazed that it was even me writing these things. The journal, if it were a work of fiction, would probably be praised as one of those very well done descent-into-madness type things. Except, it was all true.
The journal was from around the time all this and all this was going on. I wasn’t a very happy person most of the time and I thank my lucky stars that I was able to bounce back from it. I honestly don’t really remember much about myself at the time of writing the journal–I remember that I went through a particularly bad time but I don’t really remember what I was like. In my own mind, I was the perfect victim, completely exempt from any blame and free to do or say whatever I wanted, because my life was just so hard. Looking back on it, I come across as a whiny little brat! Yes, a whiny little brat who had gone through some awful things, but still. I was annoying as hell. And yes, in a way I can honestly say I was justified, but rather than approach the situation with optimism I approached it about as miserably as I possibly could.
I’ve never been a fan of the theory that people can change. I feel like everyone is responsible for their actions no matter how much they regret them, and we all have to live with ourselves in one way or another. But looking back on who I was and the things I said?
It’s like I’m a whole different person.
In a way, I’m kind of glad I found the journal. Aside from a few slips here and there, I’m at a really good place in my life right now–I have been for over a year and a half. And I think that I’ve been taking it for granted lately. I have so much privilege and so much opportunity and so much love in my life. If it takes remembering the bad times to appreciate the good ones, then so be it.
I’m so thankful for everything I have. Now, in the dead of winter with the temperatures well into the negatives, I’m reminded once more of how I have so, so many blessings. I have a home, I have food, I have a loving family.
Sorry that this post is so meandering and pointless. Please, everyone, as the weather gets ever worse, drive safe and stay safe.