I guess this is a pretty big case of do as I say, not as I do.
Whenever I can I always preach self-acceptance and self-love. “Love yourself” is practically my motto. And most of the time, I practice what I preach.
But sometimes, it gets hard.
I try to tell myself all the time that I love my body—almost as if I’m trying to convince myself of this fact. If anyone ever asked, I would tell them that of course I loved my body.
And most of the time, it would be true.
But I hate how tactile defensive I am; I hate how, once a month, I’m in constant pain for a week straight; I hate whatever the hell it is that’s wrong with my brain or my blood or my what the hell ever that causes me to be so anxious all the time. I hate how thin my hair is, I hate how my wrists are so skeletal. I hate my skin—dear god I hate my skin. And as much as I tell myself I don’t, sometimes I really just hate that little bit of fat on my stomach.
It’s in the quiet that I think of these things, all the little things I would change about myself if I could. I think about these things in the middle of the night as I try to fall asleep; during the school day when I draw into myself; during the long, empty days I spend at my dad’s house, watching TV alone. I think of all my little imperfections, all the little pieces of myself I could do without.
Thinking about these things, I’m not happy. I don’t enjoy self-loathing, it’s just something that happens to me. In fact, I’m not just unhappy—I’m miserable.
Loving yourself isn’t just a switch you can turn on and off as you please. It’s a mindset, a lifestyle. And it’s a lifestyle that isn’t always easy to maintain.
I try to love my body by eating well and excercizing, of course. I try to love my body by dressing comfortably and not putting too much strain on myself. I try to love my body by feeding it chocolate when it wants chocolate and by giving it plenty of water when it needs water.
I try, I try, I try. And I don’t always succeed. It’s not easy to embrace everything I am.
I guess now I should say it’s all my imperfections that make me who I am and that’s why I love them. But the truth is, loving myself and all my imperfections is not always an easy thing, and it’s even more difficult to pretend that it is easy.
So to all those out there struggling, just as I am, with loving every part of themselves, I have a little advice for you:
Even though it’s not always easy, try your best to love the skin you’re in and it will do it’s best to love you back. After all, you’re stuck with each other—you might as well treat each other right!
Stay strong ❤